Six Months
As of tomorrow, I will officially be six months in living here in Burlington. I'd be lying profusely if I said that its been the adventure that I envisioned. I don't think that the reality of the decision I'd made to move here settled in until maybe a few weeks ago when my spirit got tired of fighting and I finally gave into the challenge of being happy. A proverbial exercise in blooming where I am planted. I'd started to question if it was me; that I'd never be happy anywhere I landed because, let's face it, I have something bad to say about everywhere I've pitched my tent. While some of the displeasure was warranted, most times it wasn't. I am a person who creates a bubble no matter where I am and that bubble becomes my world. Usually its parameters are as a result of my job (which points to a deeper problem regarding balance... but that is a story for a counseling/coaching professional, not here), upbringing, and just pain ole fear of judgment coupled with a hefty side of laziness. For better or worse, that bubble operates like an electric fence, shocking the shit out of me when I even contemplated doing something different. This time I am very cognizant of this bubble making machine that is my mind. Its a tricky little thing that is only outwitted when I call it out. Daily there are mirrors being held up to homesickness, unhealthy introversion, and limiting behaviors. Conversely for every call out, I comfort myself by taking little steps forward. Sometimes these steps leave me exhausted, like the now defunct every week dinners with my neurotic but well-meaning neighbor. However, there are others, like frolicking on farms, that have brought out a side of me that I didn't really think existed, but I like her a lot. Even peeling myself out of my bed to eat pastries at the farmer's market on my block have been steps in the right direction. If anything being alone 1400 miles away from home makes you more open to the realization that you cannot be an island and survive in this world. I need community. Even if that community is not what I'd envisioned for myself. You learn to make the best of and see the best in all things. In all people. Ironically, despite my own internal hang-ups I have found instant communion in most ever place I've ventured into. No one has treated me badly...except for that other crazy ass neighbor about whom I could care less. She needs help. I've been invited to join boards and committees, teach a course at the local university, talk to groups, etc. Part of my mind slips into this thought that maybe I am just a novelty, but then something deeper take hold an pulls it out of that area of self loathing, and reminds me that its okay for people to like me. Hell its a good thing; a much needed thing when you are building a completely new network. I am also learning to be easy with myself. I am in a new region, new job, new field and they pitfalls are many. I have to find levity in tripping all over myself if I am to get up and continue on with a renewed spirit. This means giving myself time for deep reflection and moments to just be. I took a certification course in food systems and one of the beginning exercises was what I call transcendental food tasting. The focus was to use your all of your other senses (there are at least two dozen more beyond the five we rely on!) to enjoy everyday foods. The level of mindfulness that it required was at once challenging and relaxing. It forced you to tap into the fullness of you. Same thing with the last six months, for me. Who is the full LeBreon Simone? Again surprisingly that answer expands everyday, and everyday, how I show up is better than it was the day before. A fully actualized person is more compassionate, patient, and less volatile. I am getting there.
My friend recently visited and reminded me that nothing is permanent but while I am here I should use this time to broaden my horizons so to speak. Actually she said that I should spend the next two years dating white guys. I am still sitting with that idea. I am painfully awkward and shy in the dating/romance department, but after 180 days of and not seeing much that impresses me, what the fuck do I have to lose? If anything I'll become friends with someone who likes to roadtrip to catch shows and who has a boat. Owning a boat scores you big points as does scoring tickets to jazz concerts. But I digress. The entire idea with dating was just to pop the bubble. I love my friend because she sees that if ever I shake the shackles, I can own the world. And maybe Burlington is an exercise in learning how to create and own my world? If you've lived in close proximity of family and friends your entire life, your life is profoundly shaped by forces outside of you. For better or worse they create those boundaries that I mentioned above and you learn to live life within them. However, I am learning that what sounded like crazy on an ordinary day in one place is very much ordinary on a crazy day elsewhere. For example, I had stumbled heavily into this idea of "food as resistance and food as community" before I left the South. Every time I mentioned it, I was met with blank stares or confusion which is odd because food is the backbone of Southern culture. Whereas here, food is pure resistance and communal glue. I have lost countless hours in conversation about food here, in a way that has left me full and satisfied. I've felt heard. Understood. Given that I am teaching a class on food and conflict resolution in the spring, I feel supported. Its odd that I moved 1400 miles away to the second whitest state in the nation and it is here that I have found support for ideas near and dear to me. But sometimes its what's needed. You cant stay in your cocoon if you ever expect to emerge a butterfly, right?
None of this is to say that I don't miss home. I do. I often find myself missing my house in my quiet little neighborhood and the ease with which I could reach out and touch people I know and love. I took all that for granted, if I am to be honest. When something is easy, your heart doesn't recognize how much it holds it dear, like friends, family, a yard that I could let the dogs roam in freely. There is something distinctly unique and beautiful about the South, in particular Alabama, and even more so the Gulf Coast. Its in my veins and it colors how I see and move about in this world. I am my home and I will take her with me wherever I go. The beautiful thing is, barring an cataclysmic flooding, she will be there with open arms any time I choose to go back to there. Right now, I know I am where I need to be, and this is necessary for the next step on my journey. Who knows, I might be able to take my philosophy around food and community back home at some point, or I might find that VT is home. Whatever the case might be, I am only six months in and that is not enough time to make any real decisions about anything of import. I am enjoying making simple decisions like whether to have the bbq chicken or classic poutine for lunch and planning day trips to Montreal. I'll save the bigger turns of life for March 2018, after I have been here for a year. Bur for right now, I am happy, even if I don't say it much. Its written all over my being.
My friend recently visited and reminded me that nothing is permanent but while I am here I should use this time to broaden my horizons so to speak. Actually she said that I should spend the next two years dating white guys. I am still sitting with that idea. I am painfully awkward and shy in the dating/romance department, but after 180 days of and not seeing much that impresses me, what the fuck do I have to lose? If anything I'll become friends with someone who likes to roadtrip to catch shows and who has a boat. Owning a boat scores you big points as does scoring tickets to jazz concerts. But I digress. The entire idea with dating was just to pop the bubble. I love my friend because she sees that if ever I shake the shackles, I can own the world. And maybe Burlington is an exercise in learning how to create and own my world? If you've lived in close proximity of family and friends your entire life, your life is profoundly shaped by forces outside of you. For better or worse they create those boundaries that I mentioned above and you learn to live life within them. However, I am learning that what sounded like crazy on an ordinary day in one place is very much ordinary on a crazy day elsewhere. For example, I had stumbled heavily into this idea of "food as resistance and food as community" before I left the South. Every time I mentioned it, I was met with blank stares or confusion which is odd because food is the backbone of Southern culture. Whereas here, food is pure resistance and communal glue. I have lost countless hours in conversation about food here, in a way that has left me full and satisfied. I've felt heard. Understood. Given that I am teaching a class on food and conflict resolution in the spring, I feel supported. Its odd that I moved 1400 miles away to the second whitest state in the nation and it is here that I have found support for ideas near and dear to me. But sometimes its what's needed. You cant stay in your cocoon if you ever expect to emerge a butterfly, right?
None of this is to say that I don't miss home. I do. I often find myself missing my house in my quiet little neighborhood and the ease with which I could reach out and touch people I know and love. I took all that for granted, if I am to be honest. When something is easy, your heart doesn't recognize how much it holds it dear, like friends, family, a yard that I could let the dogs roam in freely. There is something distinctly unique and beautiful about the South, in particular Alabama, and even more so the Gulf Coast. Its in my veins and it colors how I see and move about in this world. I am my home and I will take her with me wherever I go. The beautiful thing is, barring an cataclysmic flooding, she will be there with open arms any time I choose to go back to there. Right now, I know I am where I need to be, and this is necessary for the next step on my journey. Who knows, I might be able to take my philosophy around food and community back home at some point, or I might find that VT is home. Whatever the case might be, I am only six months in and that is not enough time to make any real decisions about anything of import. I am enjoying making simple decisions like whether to have the bbq chicken or classic poutine for lunch and planning day trips to Montreal. I'll save the bigger turns of life for March 2018, after I have been here for a year. Bur for right now, I am happy, even if I don't say it much. Its written all over my being.
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