Humming in the Background: Random Musings on Leadership

I have never been a showy person. As a matter of fact, I suffer from a rather crippling shyness that renders me a complete wreck when faced with being in any kind of spotlight. I shine in my own way, and that way doesn't include being the featured focus of any function. I am by design and fate a true architect, living in my head and laying blueprints for others to follow. There is no spotlight for me just a rhythm I follow. The reward is seeing others dance to the beat that I have set for them- once again moving with a universal current. Oddly, however, we live in a society that insists that leadership is a seasoned "out front" role. Leaders, by social mandate, must pick up the battle flags and encourage people to move forward, charging towards some finish line, usually an abstraction that no one really understands. Such is the flashy machismo of Western culture, full of charismatic posturing and careless slinging of catch phrases. So devoid of any real understanding and depth. I am not convinced that people actually like depth of any sort. When we find ourselves in the abyss of something, even the best of nestling places, we have tendency to become consumed by the constant swirling currents of fear and want, unable to fully surrender to the very thing that we need. A frenzied state of being that causes even the calmest of persons to act in ways unbecoming of any rational adult. We'd rather deign to the idea of consistent fuckery because its not quite what we truly need but its easier than making any kind of shift to make room for the ideal. We tell ourselves fool-hearted notions like, "its better than it was before" or "this is the way that its always been, so why change now". I find it hard to believe that we'd prefer to be consistently wrong and potentially imperiled rather than to embrace the painful pleasure of course-correcting; seeing ourselves get better. It would be akin to the infirm turning away medical treatment and instead, ingesting snake oil from slickest soothsayers. Or even yet still, the idea that maybe what we think we know to be true maybe slowly fade into falsity in an ever-evolving world. A society built on showiness doesn't leave room for such what ifs. The formula is set, and it is your job to fall in line. For a person like me who constantly exists in the grey spaces of "what if", this world is mad-challenging. My what-ifs are seen as being unsure, inexperienced, not ready, or in worst case scenarios, subversive and defiant. A lot of my peers also inhabit these corners of life, bucking trends, leading in ways that are unconventional. We are that generation. Not really millennials, but definitely not boomers. We are caught in the crosshairs of what was, dodging bullets to survive long enough to birth clearer ideas of what could be. Leadership is not always who is or has been out front. Its more so about who has the heart and vision to set the example. A champion of what ifs. We don't yet live in the world that is comfortable with the depths of what if. We don't yet know what to do with people who are able and willing to lead without the blinding glare of a constant spotlight and do the deep digging in the dimness. They are foreigners in a familiar land. Aliens among us; not like us. Not following the formula. So we attack. Its a body turning on itself. I imagine that those who cant conceive of something different, are struggling with their ability to feel. As the world shifts around us, leaving no room for inertia, I believe that their hearts tell a different story than what their actions would leave one to believe. Frenzy of fear and want whirling about. That is why I am growing unable to classify people as "bad" or "good". See them as "connected" or "disconnected" from a universal flow. Its a leader's job to connect people to this flow. To hear their hearts, and work in the quiet stillness to help bring into alignment what they need and what they are getting. To connect the gulfs in between. You cannot do this if your priority is the gleam of a spotlight, for there is no room in this society for us to embrace the imperfections of trying to get it right.

I recently went through a prolonged phase in my life where nothing was certain and what used to be the solution no longer served me. My dreams for who I could be were more complex than the tools that I had at my disposal to build a path forward. My shell no longer fit. While I struggle with the label of leader (I am really fond of process facilitator and midwife), there are others who have embraced it. Wear it like the mantle it is. Envision the complicated moment that they realized that their toolboxes didn't have all of the necessary elements that they needed to push forward. That they had outgrown their spaces. Bam! A veritable ton of bricks. Whether you think that you are ready or not, visions do not ask for permission to be birth. One must catch the rhythm and jump in. I've learned that there is really no such thing as absolute readiness. If one could be 100% certain all of the time within the confines of reason, then there would be no need for God, be it an embodiment of supernatural perfection or a means for giving meaning to that which we do not understand. Its this gray matter of "not knowingness" that enables a leader to trust the vision. That's all that they really have to hold onto. There are a lot of us stumbling forward, clinging mercilessly to our visions; however, I most admire those who have to temerity to share that vision, withstanding the storms of judgment and throngs naysayers. I find that I am too attached to my baby to share her with the world, as of yet. She's still growing. But for leaders who are willing to raise this vision with the help and under the gaze of many, I salute your courage. We live in a world where people sit on clinched haunches with pitchforks drawn, ready to leap at the first sign of vulnerability because after all, being vulnerable is like going live without make-up on. The emperor needs no clothes if his face is flawless, no? Smile and make the lies, the nonsense look beautiful for the camera. Sadly we need to believe that its all very beautiful, though it stinks of rotted out hollow. I want to live in a world where pretty is no longer a prerequisite for engaging in moral correction. I want the messiness of deconstructing what doesn't work to build up, through trial and error, what does. I want leaders who seek the same. I am lucky, I work for a company premised on messiness. It drives me up a fucking wall most days but it pulls out of me things that I didn't know or feel that I was capable of. I am allowed to slink in the grey places and tinker with shit. I am given a get out of jail free pass and the blessings to just disrupt. In a world like the one we live in, disruptive leadership is needed. The familiarity of what is, no longer serves the greater good. The greater good, for me, is this universal feeling of what we know to be right. It permeates the bones and swallows hold any logic that has moved us up to this very point. It wipes the slate clean, and ushers in a new eon, in hopes that we will remain trusting of something higher and brighter than any spotlight, and stay attuned this time, so that we can finally get it right. Not everyone is called to lead this shift, but for those who are, you just know. When the days get long and the dimness a bit much, hold onto that knowing. Tightly.